Smile and let go [JeanXMarco]

Once I heard somewhere that if you imagine your death, it'll probably turn out being totally different. I have never imagined my death being this painful, this tragic. There was no one to see it, no one I could ask for the favour of telling Jean my last words, the words of my love. Actually, it's not the fact of my death that hurts. It's that I had to leave him without a farewell.

The most terrible thing in being dead is that I have nothing to do. Lost souls wandering around in endless nothing, without any plans or ambitions. There's nothing to fight for, nothing that's worth existing for. I can see my former training partners, Thomas, Mina, Franz and the others, but we have nothing to share. Sometimes it really makes me mad. I want to scream, shout at them, or just simply sit down and cry my heart out but I can’t. Something keeps me walking, staring at nothing, mute.

When someone dies, well, that does cause some excitement. If you know them, you can see their last minutes, hear their last words, feel their pain, you know what they think. But only if you used to know them back when you were alive. I haven’t been involved in anything like this for a pretty long time. I think I should be glad for this, because it means everyone I used to love is still alive. But still I feel endless sorrow. It’s like I’m all alone. It’s lonely. Sad. Empty.

I can’t even relate how much time has passed since I died. There are no days, weeks, no time at all. I could be dead for two days or thirty years – I wouldn’t know it anyway. This lack of sense of time makes it all less bearable. It makes me so mad I don’t know what to do. And it hurts. One would might think I don’t feel pain since I’m dead but I do. Not physically, mentally. It’s like a knife stabbing through my heart and I can’t do anything about it.

You might say, “Why did you join the army if you knew this could happen?” and I don’t think I could reply. Of course I had heard about titans a lot when I was a child, mostly tales, but I could tell how terrible they were. Or at least I thought I could. I have never seen a titan until the Colossal Titan broke Wall Rose. I wasn’t well-prepared enough to fight these monsters. Maybe Jean was right. Maybe I didn’t join the army because I wanted to help humankind but only myself… I just didn’t want to admit it. I couldn’t accept myself as such a bad person.

Suddenly something happens – it’s like a lightning flashing through my unsubstantial body. I can hear someone’s voice. A girl…

Is it you, Sasha?

I can hear a thought that does not belong to me. I know what’s happening – someone I knew is dying. I’m kind of scared – it might means I won’t be alone anymore, but it take someone’s life. I know it well and feel shame for being glad about the fact.

I can hear the voice again. It’s distant yet so close as if she was next to me, whispering in my ears.

“Hold on!” she screams desperately. “Please… don’t give up!”

She’s crying, I can tell it by her voice.

“You can’t die right here!” Another voice. A boy. “Come on!”

Connie? What are you guys… talking about?

“Too much blood…” Sasha cries again. “I… I can’t…”

Am I dying? It’s just so… peaceful.

How can he say ‘peaceful’? I can feel his pain torturing my body. It’s everything but peaceful. Did I feel the same when I was dying? I can’t remember, but I don’t think so.

Finally he opens his eyes, and I can see Sasha and Connie. They’re frightened. The sky above us is dark orange, it might be twilight. My sight is kind of hazy, but I can tell they’re soaked in blood.

Is it my blood?

I reach my hand out uncertainly. I want to touch him. I know I can’t, yet I want to.

I can feel something warm touching my hand. What it might be? I think I know this feeling, this touch. Do I?

Suddenly I realize what it is.

A hand. A hand taking mine.

The pictures of death are over, but that hand is still holding mine. I look at Jean. He’s still young, maybe at my age. Was it really just one year since I died? And now he’s here… here with me. It’s somehow sad and happy at the same time.

I smile at him. I know they had lost Jean, but I can barely feel true sorrow.

I’m not alone any more.